Michael Voltaggio is a douche, or why I broke up with reality TV

The moment was so enraging that I can, even now months later, remember the heat in my face. In December, Padma Lakshmi (the former Mrs. Salman Rushdie) announced that asshole extraordinare Michael Voltaggio _ the more annoying half of the cocky brothers who competed with Atlanta chef Kevin Gillespie for the finale last season _ had won the competition. After I let out a long string of curse words, I turned to Hot Pants and said: "That's it. I'm done with Top Chef." And I was. I SO was.

I had already voted "Project Runway" off the island after it moved to Lifetime and paraded a series of whiny, prima donna contestants in front of the judges. I liked the show because it was about fashion, not drama. And what's worse, the judges consistently picked awful, boring winners who didn't do anything but make me want to sleep in a pile of fabric from their final collection. Enough already with the "he stole my idea to make a sweater vest entirely out of used coffee filters and then Bedazzle it!" Bad producers! Bad!

Then America made me angry.

Enter: American Idol. I hadn't really ever watched the show _ aside from the hilarious audition episodes _ until I met my wonderful friend, Emily, who was going on and on about how hot some guy named Ace was. One night, I grabbed a cherry slurpee from the corner gas station and sat down with Em to watch Idol. I was hooked (both on Idol and cherry slurpees). Then, I met Hot Pants, who is a religious viewer of Idol and whose mother takes notes while she watches. Adorable. There I was back in front of the TV from January to April two nights a week, cheering on the weirdos who decide to try out and making fun of Bikini Girl.

That all ended a couple of weeks ago when America chose Lee DeWyze as the next American Idol. Really, America? REALLY?!? You chose Mr. White Bread over Crystal Bowersox, who has more talent in her little toe than Lee has in his entire being (plus his terrible hair and wardrobe). And you even promoted Casey Whatshisface to the top 3! Over Michael Lychne! WHAT?!? We're through, American Idol. As for you, America, I threatened to defect if you chose Lee and I'm STILL shopping for property in Canada to this day.

So, I'm now left with So You Think You Can Dance, which has yet to piss me off enough to end the relationship. That's mostly because the dancers are so amazing that any of them could win and I'd be perfectly happy. You can fake being able to sing well enough to fool the voting public, but you can't fake being able to dance. I've still got my eye on you, though, America. You best watch out.